The Happy Couple

Praise for The Happy CoupleA ‘HIGHLIGHT OF 2023’ IN THE GUARDIAN A ‘BOOK OF 2023’ IN THE NEW STATESMAN A ‘BOOK TO WATCH’ IN THE INDEPENDENT AND GOOD HOUSEKEEPING‘A fun, addictive read laced with astute observations about modern romance’Vogue ‘A sophisticated character study of a young couple coming to terms with their relationship, in this biting, whip-smart look at modern love and the tangled messes we leave behind us. I am fully in awe of Dolan’s talent. And so glad my twenties are over’Douglas Stuart, author of Young Mungo and Shuggie Bain‘Sensational’Daily Mail ‘The Happy Couple is just as satisfying as Exciting Times, and deals with class, money, gender dynamics and bisexuality with similar ease. Set between London and Dublin, it is a beautiful exploration of love, fidelity – and whether either are compatible with marriage’Pandora Sykes‘Ferociously clever and supremely enjoyable’Platinum‘The Happy Couple reinvents the marriage plot to create an effervescent page-turner examining sexuality, monogamy and betrayal’The Bookseller‘Sassy and smart and wickedly funny, Dolan’s voice is uniquely her own. I inhaled every irreverent page’Ruth Gilligan, author of The Butchers‘Sexy, canny, hilarious’Big Issue ‘I just finished The Happy Couple and I loved it – an extremely funny examination of modern love, with depth, bite and poignancy’Daisy Buchanan, author of Insatiable‘Dolan, whose debut novel Exciting Times was a storming success, is sure to bring her sparkling wit and insightful understanding of human relationships to this second outing’ Irish Independent‘I pure LOVED The Happy Couple. So witty, observant, wise and funny. Nihilistic about heteronormative relationships but so charmingly done I barely noticed. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it’Marian Keyes‘A cracking ensemble, The Happy Couple is a beautiful sonata about our relationships and a sad fugue for fear and loneliness. The book is a tough, all-engrossing love-test. Dolan’s acerbic humour is unapologetically analytical. She breaks the rule of intimacy with wit and panache that are second to none. I was kept on tenterhooks till the last few pages and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding afterwards. I don’t want to say goodbye to Luke and Celine’Kit Fan, author of Diamond Hill‘Endlessly funny, endlessly inventive – a bold and stylish novel that slipped down and burned like a shot of something lovely’Rebecca Wait, author of I’m Sorry You Feel That Way‘The Happy Couple is a dazzling follow-up to Exciting Times. Dolan spins her magic again with humour and insight and the sharpest of prose. Not a word out of place’Katherine Heiny, author of Standard Deviation and Early Morning Riser‘We predict a hit’The Times For John and the McNallys ContentsPraise for The Happy CoupleDedicationTitle PagePart I: The Bridechapter 1chapter 2chapter 3chapter 4chapter 5chapter 6chapter 7chapter 8chapter 9chapter 10chapter 11chapter 12chapter 13chapter 14chapter 15chapter 16Part II: The Bridesmaidchapter 17chapter 18chapter 19chapter 20chapter 21chapter 22chapter 23chapter 24chapter 25Part III: The Best Manchapter 26chapter 27chapter 28chapter 29chapter 30chapter 31chapter 32Part IV: The GroomUntitled 33Untitled 34Untitled 35Untitled 36Untitled 37Untitled 38Untitled 39Untitled 40Untitled 41Untitled 42Untitled 43Untitled 44Untitled 45Untitled 46Untitled 47Untitled 48Untitled 49Untitled 50Untitled 51Part V: The Guestchapter 52chapter 53chapter 54Part VI: Wedding Daychapter 55chapter 56chapter 57chapter 58chapter 59chapter 60chapter 61chapter 62chapter 63chapter 64chapter 65chapter 66chapter 67chapter 68chapter 69chapter 70chapter 71AcknowledgementsAbout the AuthorCopyright PART IThe Bride 1They got engaged like this.In Dublin they went to a house party, then walked home along cobblestoned lanes. Celine was twenty-six and Luke was twenty-eight. He was tall and lean and dark-haired, and wore a half-tucked pale blue shirt. She was tastefully ugly: square face, flat black sandals. Although the night was warm, she had gloves on.Both were fast talkers, but his tone was steady while her own had more vigour. They discussed two of the guests who’d broken up.‘I don’t think they spoke to each other all night,’ Celine said.‘Honestly they should have ended it sooner,’ Luke replied.‘How so?’‘I mean, break-ups always suck. But they suck a lot less if you end it while you still like each other.’They strolled left onto a street of terraces. Celine turned the key in their red panelled front door, and together they clambered up the rickety communal stairs. Their two-room flat was in No. 23, a subdivided Georgian townhouse. The boiler kept breaking, the main local amenity was the man who sold weed from his Nissan, and rent was two thousand euro per month.When they’d moved in last year, the landlord had warned them: ‘This ain’t The Ritz, lads.’ Celine faced little difficulty remembering this fact. Their hallway had a coconut mat and brass shoe rack: here you trapped dirt at the entrance, while The Ritz allowed dirt to travel anywhere so long as it paid. Bedroom and bathroom were plain and poky, and unfortunately weren’t The Ritz. The living area contained Celine’s piano and a green-and-yellow kitchenette. There was nowhere to put a table. This wasn’t, please note, The Ritz; so they ate on the couch.At the bathroom sink, Celine removed her black leather gloves and rubbed in hand cream. She was a professional pianist, and moisturised only at night to avoid smearing lotion on the keys.Then she wiped her hands with a tissue and joined Luke in bed. On contact with his body, she let out an Oh, as if him lying there was a surprise.She resumed the topic from earlier.‘No one ends a relationship while they still like the other person,’ she said. ‘You think, okay, it’s bad, but it’s about to get good again. Then it keeps being bad till it’s over.’‘Decide up front,’ Luke said. ‘What’s the worst thing they could do where you’d still like them, but only just. That’s your limit, and if they do it then leave. Or you could use – you know those feedback forms?’‘Circle 10 for adore new microwave, or circle 0 for dislike new microwave and wish it ill?’‘Yeah.’‘I’m not sure that works for gauging if you’re happy.’‘Maybe not,’ Luke said.Celine held back the words: Are you happy, though?They did not, as a rule, ‘share feelings’. Celine’s family had never taught her how. To see the tint of your internal mood ring as warranting