The Spare and the Heir

The Spare and The Heir James D. Wood Copyright © 2023 by James D. Wood. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, contact the author or the publisher, Kensington Square, 201 Goldhawk Road, London W12 8EP, UK. The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Published by Kensington Square. ISBN 978-1-7392668-4-4 For Melissa Cast of Characters In Order of Appearance Tilly Hentzau 13 year old daughter of Ruritanian government minister Rupert Hentzau. Christopher Wainwright 27 year old telesales executive from Stoke Newington, London. Johann Blicker Artist president of the newly independent Republic of Ruritania. Rudolph Rassendyll The long dead hero of Anthony Hope’s 1894 novel, ‘The Prisoner of Zenda’. Queen Flavia Former Queen of Ruritania from ‘The Prisoner of Zenda’, rumoured to be Rassendyll’s lover. Donald Owner and MD of TravelCo, a coach tour company based in Covent Garden, London. Horst Bangermann Art director of the Ruritanian government, formerly Prada VP of International Sales (South East Europe). Sophie Bernenstein 23 year old PR assistant and official ‘influencer’ of the Ruritania Government, best friend of Rose Elphberg (see below). Boris Kurtz Minister of Economics. Rupert Hentzau Minister of Trade, former Oligarch, owner of Zenda Castle, descendent of Count Rupert of Hentzau, the antagonist of ‘The Prisoner of Zenda’. Rose Elphberg Distant cousin of the former Royal Family of Ruritania, the Elphbergs, and heir to the throne of Ruritania. Andrew Hentzau Rupert Hentzau’s playboy son, engaged to Rose Elphberg. Yuri Lougouev Russian CEO of Globalny Foods Inc. Cynthia Donald’s assistant at TravelCo. John H. Bigelow A Hollywood movie producer. Roger A TravelCo tour manager. Coach Jackson Coach of a visiting team of American football players, the Arkansas Angels, passengers on ‘The Land That Time Forgot’, TravelCo’s inaugural coach tour to Ruritania. Hank, Joe, Leroy Three members of the Arkansas Angels. Martha Fierstein Young female passenger of the tour group. Henry and Mary Finkelburger Elderly passengers of the tour group. Joseph Spinelli A VIP passenger of the tour group, and representative of Universal Foods Inc. Michael Tour group coach driver. Roderick Fraser A dead person. Contents Cast of Characters Prologue 1. As in the Bishopric 2. Roses are White 3. Rafting down the Zambezi 4. Potatoes or Rice? 5. A Rumour 6. Tilly 7. Blue Circles 8. The Great Resignation 9. A Golden Opportunity 10. Ciao 11. Cynthia 12. The Plan 13. The Spare 14. The Monstrance 15. Schools out 16. Rosie 17. A Tempting Offer 18. Cuckoo 19. Pre-emptive 20. Escape 21. Inbound from Vienna 22. The Tourism Ambassador 23. Alarm! 24. A Decision 25. Continental with Juice 26. Footwear 27. Return to Zenda 28. The Zenda Experience 29. Bigelow Comes to the Rescue 30. Panic at the Border 31. Some Disturbing News 32. Plan B 33. Scorpio 34. A Wrong Turn 35. Bring on the Roses 36. An Incredible Story 37. Background Checks 38. Roddy Rex 39. The Agitation Begins 40. Red Level 4 41. An Unpaid Minibar Bill 42. Kidnap! 43. The Duke of Boots 44. The Rescue 45. Shocked! 46. Who Will Rid Me of this Meddlesome Tour Leader? 47. A Telegram from Mother 48. A Long Journey 49. Next Steps 50. A Special Invitation 51. The Countdown 52. A Bad Dream, or… 53. The Palace Reception 54. Confusion 55. Imprisoned 56. Debrief 57. Get Christopher 58. Hotting Up 59. The Eighth Circle of Hell 60. OMG 61. The Wedding 62. Nobodyʼs Perfect About the Author Other Books by James Prologue She knew that it was unlikely to change anything. Sheʼd already made up her mind. You only had to look around you. The place was going to the dogs. Still, she wanted to give him one last chance. To see for herself. As the speck became a dot, and the dot an aeroplane, the dignitaries shuffled around her. Musicians stood rigidly to attention, instruments idling, the odd discordant tuning note the only sound on the breeze. Tilly fingered two long chestnut tresses, each intertwined with the traditional red, white and yellow of her country, and adjusted the spray of roses one final time. It wasnʼt nerves. Sheʼd done it countless times since her father had been in government, presenting posies to a succession of VIPs – even a US Secretary of State on one occasion. The plane touched down, and an excited buzz rose from the crowd. The engines whined to a halt, a hydraulic door swung out slowly against the gleaming white fuselage, the band struck up the national anthem, and the man they had all been waiting for stepped gingerly into the sunlight. It didnʼt look good. He was even shorter and scruffier up close. His startled eyes darted uncertainly from the reception committee to the band and back again. Finally he waved a pudgy hand, and lumbered down the steps. Tilly shifted one final time, posy at the ready. He approached across the tarmac, guided by a functionary, and automatically she stepped forward, as sheʼd been trained. For the first time he seemed to notice her, and it began to dawn on her with mounting horror that he was going to pat her on the head. He was beginning to look at her with those kiddy eyes that adults sometimes affected when faced with young children – generally adults who had none of their own and no clue. Tilly suddenly wanted to puke. She gritted her teeth, and as his outstretched hand bore down on her she deftly curtsied and shoved the roses at him. He started. She took a step back. The first president of the newly democratic Republic of Ruritania smelt the flowers, sneezed all over her, and moved away,