An (Un) Romantic Comedy

AN (UN) ROMANTIC COMEDY PHOEBE MACLEOD To my mother, Margaret, with whom I’ve always been able to talk about anything. CONTENTS Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Acknowledgments More from Phoebe MacLeod About the Author About Boldwood Books 1 ‘OK, Chris. I think it’s safe to say that Tina isn’t a fan of your gift. Talk us through it.’ I can’t say I blame Tina. The vibrator sitting on the table between Chris and his wife is most politely described as ‘challenging’. ‘Enormous’ would be another suitable word, along with ‘what the bloody hell?’, which I accept is a phrase rather than a word. In my time as a sex and relationship therapist, plenty of vibrators have come and gone through my treatment room. I’m generally fairly positive about them; when I think they will be beneficial I recommend them, but they can be controversial and, when I think they might make things worse, I steer well clear. However, the object that Chris has brought in to therapy today is quite unlike any of the vibrators that I have ever recommended. During the brief demonstration that he gave, it wriggled, buzzed and thrusted in a most alarming manner. It also lit up with a selection of flashing lights, which completely confused me. What on earth would they be illuminating? If none of that, or the sheer size of the damned thing, were enough to put you off, the noise would. It’s difficult to describe, but if you think of angry hornet meets asthmatic road drill, you wouldn’t be far away. As a modern-day object of torture, I could see it faring pretty well; I have no doubt that you could disembowel someone pretty successfully with it. As a sex toy? Dear God, no. ‘I thought it would spice things up, do you know what I mean, Poppy? And,’ he looks at me lasciviously, ‘I thought it might be something she’d like to use while I watched.’ Tina looks revolted and I can’t say I blame her. This is their fourth session and, frustratingly, I don’t seem to have managed to get through to Chris at all so far. Their presenting issue is not particularly uncommon – a mismatch in libido that’s causing friction in their marriage – but so far Chris has resolutely refused to acknowledge that the problem is anything to do with him. In his mind, Tina just needs to stop being so uptight and everything will be hunky-dory. What he has failed to see is that the constant pressure he’s putting her under to do more exotic stuff in the bedroom is making things very difficult for her. I know where it’s come from; I wouldn’t be much good at my job if I didn’t. Chris is patently a heavy porn user, even though he swore blind he wasn’t when I gently challenged him about it in our first session. But, when we talked about his fantasies, it was like a one, two, three checklist from the porn industry. I glance at the clock: fifteen minutes left in today’s session and then I’m not seeing them for two weeks, so it would be really good if we could get a breakthrough today. ‘Why do you think Tina isn’t wild about the vibrator, Chris?’ ‘I dunno. It’s the top-of-the-range, and it literally does everything! It cost a pretty penny, let me tell you.’ I seriously doubt that. The control panel looks like it was assembled by someone doing a home electronics project and the rest of it isn’t much better. ‘OK, let’s go back a step. Do you remember when we talked about the four Ps and the four Cs?’ ‘Erm, yeah.’ ‘Talk me through them.’ ‘So, you said that a lot of men think about sex as the Ps. Position, performance and penis size.’ ‘Great. Do you remember the fourth one we talked about, which specifically relates to pornography?’ ‘Umm, power.’ ‘That’s right, there’s a power imbalance portrayed in porn, which would be unhealthy in a real-world relationship. Now, what about real-world sex – what did we talk about there?’ ‘The Cs.’ ‘Can you remember what they are?’ ‘Sorry, not exactly. I remember consent, but I’m not sure about the others.’ ‘That’s one of them, yes. You’ve also got communication, connection and compromise. So, if we look at your present to Tina here, do you think it falls more into the Ps or the Cs?’ I think we may be starting, finally, to make a bit of progress, as he blushes slightly and averts his eyes. ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Let’s walk it through. Have you and Tina ever talked together about using a vibrator?’ ‘Umm, we did a bit.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘I’ll tell you what it means,’ Tina interrupts. ‘It means he mentioned it to me once and I told him there was no way and I thought it was incredibly tacky.’ ‘Chris?’ I prompt him. ‘Well, yeah. She did say that, but I thought she’d change her mind once she saw it.’ ‘I see, and what prompted you to go for this one, rather than something smaller and more discreet, such as a bullet?’ ‘Bigger is better, isn’t it? I don’t see how those little ones could be satisfying; you’d barely feel them.’ ‘I’m not going to let us get drawn into a discussion about different types of vibrators and their uses, as I don’t think that’s going to help us here. Let’s go back to the Ps and Cs. We’ve established that Tina made it clear that she wasn’t interested in vibrators on the whole, but you felt that you could change her mind with