Mine To Lose

Mine To Lose A Red Cedar Romance This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real people, organizations, products, locations, or events are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Book cover designed by GetCovers Copyright © 2022 Megan El. All rights reserved. ISBN: 979-8-9862454-0-9 (paperback) ASIN: B09YDJ1KVY (ebook) To 2022. The year I did fucking everything. Dear 2023, please let me do less. (Narrator voice: she had no plans to, in fact, do less.) Author’s Note This book contains scenes of explicit sexual content, pervasive references to past cocaine and alcohol abuse, issues of mental illness, a neglectful/absent parent, a depiction of a traumatic car accident, and references to death. Please proceed with caution if any of these things may be upsetting or triggering to you. Author’s Note Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty-One Chapter Thirty-Two Chapter Thirty-Three Chapter Thirty-Four Chapter Thirty-Five Chapter Thirty-Six Chapter Thirty-Seven Chapter Thirty-Eight Epilogue Acknowledgments About The Author Prologue Nina—Two Years Ago Everything was too loud. I didn’t know who had turned the stereo up so high, but it drowned out all the conversations in the room. My mind couldn’t focus on anything, but everything felt like too much. I vaguely recognized what song was playing, and I registered that the people around me were talking, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I stood in the corner of the room, watching everyone else enjoy themselves. But I couldn’t care about what they were doing or what they were saying. I should’ve walked over to people and talked to them, but I couldn’t make myself move. Over a dozen of my friends were there. More people than I ever thought I’d see in my house celebrating me. But all I could see was the person who wasn’t there. The corner of my eyes burned. I dug my nails into my palms as hard as I could to have something to focus on. All of the faces blurred together until my best friend stepped out of the crowd and walked toward me. I gave Henley the best smile I could muster and brushed past her to where my phone was sitting on the counter. I had put it down so I would stop checking it every ten seconds. My tactic kind of worked. Instead, I was checking it every two minutes. I had Facebook notifications from people wishing me a happy birthday. One email from school with the weekly newsletter. No calls, no text messages. Nothing to say “I’m running late” or “Sorry, I can’t make it.” I clicked on the Messages app and scrolled through the past few days of messages. Me: I can’t wait to see you soon Mom: We’re gonna have so much fun. I can't believe you’re gonna be 17. I should take you shopping before the party. You can get a new dress. Me: Okay! Me: What time do you want to pick me up to go shopping tomorrow? Me: We can skip shopping. I have plenty of old dresses to wear. The party starts at 7 but you can show up whenever! Me: You’re coming tomorrow right? Mom: Of course baby! Me: Dad forgot to get small plates for the cake so can you pick some up on your way today? Me: Nevermind Dad’s getting the plates. See you at 7! I swiped a couple of tears away from my eyes and scanned the room to make sure no one saw. Henley caught my eye, so I knew she noticed, but I jerked a smile and joined a group of people who were laughing. I didn’t know what we were laughing about. I didn’t know what anyone was saying. The words “Of course, baby” ran through my head over and over. Her voice came through over a text with the sincerity I should’ve known meant nothing. “Right, Nina?” My name brought me back to the conversation I hadn’t been paying attention to. A hand gripped my elbow, and I looked up. Henley was standing next to me. Wasn’t she on the other side of the room? How long have I been standing here? Henley met my wide eyes and wrapped my arm in hers. “Of course Nina and I are gonna room together at Michigan State!” Henley said in her signature chirp, answering the question meant for me. I smiled and nodded to the group. I really tried to listen to everyone’s conversation. They were talking about college plans? Or summer plans? Their words sounded so far away, like I was underwater. It took all the effort I had for the words to make it from my ears to my brain. It was exhausting. Standing there was exhausting. I wanted to cancel the party and tell everyone to go home. But I also dreaded spending the night alone. Someone was asking me a question. I glanced at Henley, who was smiling and nodding, so I said some sort of agreement. That seemed to be what people were expecting. They continued with the chatter that didn’t register as anything other than white noise in my mind. Henley squeezed my hand in encouragement. Had she been holding my hand this whole time? I heard my phone ringing and dashed to where I’d left it without even a word to my friends. The screen lit up with a video call from a number I didn’t recognize. My heart leaped in my throat as I answered the call. “Happy Birthday, Nini!” my sister Charlie said. I released a shuddering breath and