The Maltese Iguana


 
 
 
 
 
 
 Contents
 
 Cover
 Title Page
 Dedication
 Contents
 Prologue
 Part One: The Island Life
 Chapter 1: The Florida Keys
 Chapter 2: Southern Texas
 Chapter 3: Islamorada
 Chapter 4: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 5: Honduras
 Chapter 6: Islamorada
 Chapter 7: Honduras
 Chapter 8: Florida Keys
 Chapter 9: Key Largo
 Chapter 10: Honduras
 Chapter 11: Key Largo
 Chapter 12: The Colonel
 Chapter 13: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 14: Reevis
 Chapter 15: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 16: Miami
 Chapter 17: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 18: After Midnight
 
 
 Part Two: Intermission
 Chapter 19: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 20: Meanwhile, Back on the Mainland
 Chapter 21: Back at Pelican Bay
 Chapter 22: Meanwhile, Near the Elephant Cages . . .
 Chapter 23: Simultaneously . . .
 
 
 Part Three: Intermission Is Ending
 Chapter 24: South Florida
 Chapter 25: Islamorada
 Chapter 26: The Fourth Floor
 Chapter 27: Eastern Honduras
 Chapter 28: Coconut Grove
 Chapter 29: Cutler Ridge
 Chapter 30: Pelican Bay
 Chapter 31: The Next Morning
 Chapter 32: The Next Day
 Chapter 33: That Same Day . . .
 Chapter 34: Turtle Grass Flats
 Chapter 35: Plantation Key
 Chapter 36: The Next Day
 Chapter 37: Miramar
 Chapter 38: Islamorada
 Chapter 39: The Next Morning
 Chapter 40: Scene 327
 
 
 Epilogue
 About the Author
 Also by Tim Dorsey
 Copyright
 About the Publisher
 
 
 
 
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 Dedication
 
 
 For my daughters, who saved my life
 
 
 
 
 
 Prologue
 
 The socialite was dragged into the street and attacked by an antisocial homeless man, until another man in a giant bunny costume
 came to her rescue.
 
 
 The bunny threw a blistering combination of furry roundhouse punches until the vagrant relented and the police arrived.
 
 It made perfect sense. It was Easter time. And it was Miami Beach.
 
 The bunny had been hired by a semi-popular nightclub to stand outside with the bouncers and draw more customers. After the
 fracas, he returned to the lounge’s front doors as if he weren’t involved. Cell-phone video of the fight began to go viral.
 This really happened.
 
 
 It was the thirty-seventh most unusual sight that evening in the city.
 
 Blocks away, the local news crews finished covering first responders who pulled a woman out of a manhole, after she had thought
 it was a good idea to explore the sewer system and wondered aloud how she could possibly have gotten lost. The journalists
 raced over to interview the bunny.
 
 
 “How does it feel to be a hero?”
 
 “I’m not a hero. I was just doing my job.”
 
 The news crews abruptly broke away to cover an alligator trying to mate with an inflatable alligator floatation toy in a Coral
 Gables swimming pool.
 
 
 
 Serge turned off the local TV news and the cavalcade of off-center human endeavor. “How can you live anywhere else? You don’t
 even need premium channels.” He turned to see his pal Coleman curled up on the couch of their condominium, alternating between
 shrieks and whimpers. “Coleman, what the heck’s gotten into you?”
 
 
 “Mushrooms.” Another piercing cry. “They’re really strong. I’m having a massive freak-out.”
 
 “What set this off?”
 
 “I imagined there was a giant bunny rabbit on TV beating up this dude outside a nightclub.”
 
 “No, that was reality,” said Serge. “Florida always skews your hallucinatory drug baseline.”
 
 
 A couple of nights later, the crowd outside the Miami Beach nightclub was the biggest in its history. People lined up down
 the block to get photos taken with the Hero Bunny.
 
 
 He posed patiently as the club’s owners drew up new signs increasing the cover charge.
 
 “Mr. Bunny, look over here!” He did. A camera flashed.
 
 Next person, with a pen and paper. “How about an autograph?”
 
 The bunny held out his hands. “The paws.”
 
 “Oh, right.”
 
 And so on.
 
 It