Resisting Ryan

Chapter One Peony “What is wrong with you?” I stare at my reflexion in the mirror, trying to tame my hair, although I don’t know why I’m bothering. It’s beyond redemption. Maybe it’s the damp weather, or just that I’ve lost the ability to control my wayward curls, but whatever the reason, they’re not behaving. Talking to them isn’t helping, either. Especially as there’s no-one else here, so I appear to be talking to myself. It’s the first sign of madness, or so they say, but a little insanity wouldn’t surprise me. I feel like I’m going crazy most of the time. I admit defeat with my hair and put on some makeup instead. Not much, but just enough. I’m going to the Hart’s Creek Hotel tonight, and while that might sound fairly grand, it isn’t. That’s not to say it’s a dump. It’s just the kind of place where you can dress up if you like, but where you’ll be made equally welcome in jeans. I’m opting for the latter, because while it’s March and the sun has been shining all day, it’s nighttime now and it’s cold outside, and my closet isn’t exactly overflowing with cocktail dresses… or dresses of any variety, for that matter. That’s not because I’m not a dressing up kind of girl. It’s because I can’t see a reason to have lots of pretty things when I spend most of my time driving around on a tractor, tending to my family’s apple orchard. I’ve broken with my normal dress code, though, and rather than wearing a thick sweater, I’ve put on a blouse. It’s got short sleeves, so I’ll be wearing my leather jacket with it, but I think it’s kinda pretty. It’s got flowers embroidered down the front, anyway. That’s about as close as I get to pretty these days, although I suppose I could invest in a couple of dresses… if I could afford to. It’s not like I don’t have the space, since Luca left. I shake my head, staring at myself again, and note the slight glistening in my eyes. “Don’t you dare cry.” There I go, talking to myself… yet again. But I’m not going to cry. He’s not worth it, and I don’t miss him. Hardly at all. Okay, so I miss having help around the farm. He was always very willing to do whatever was needed, when he wasn’t working at the gym. I miss having someone to lean on, as well… someone to talk to when things got on top of me, and I guess it was nice having someone to laugh with when things were going well, too. And, of course, I miss the sex. God, do I miss the sex. Luca and I had a very physical relationship, which I interpreted as love. I’m not sure Luca gave it that much thought. He just enjoyed it, while it lasted. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, too. What wasn’t to enjoy? Luca was incredible. I didn’t ask where he’d learned his skills. I didn’t want to know, and I’ve never been the kind of person who gets hung up on the past. All I cared about was that he was using his skills on me. He enjoyed waking me with his fingers, and believe me, there’s no better feeling in this world than coming out of a blissful sleep into an even more blissful orgasm, delivered at the hands of an expert. Stop it . I can’t think about Luca… not like that. Not about the sex. Because the problem is, whenever I let those memories cross my mind, it’s not the thought of all the things he used to do to me… all the ways he used to make me scream and beg for more. Instead, I’m plagued by thoughts of him with Stevie Pine. She’s the woman he left me for… the soon-to-be ex-wife of Dawson Pine, who owns the bar in town. Stevie joined the gym over a year ago, telling Dawson she wanted to lose weight, I think. Luca kindly gave me all the details, but I wasn’t listening at the time. Mostly because he’d started the conversation by telling me he was in love with someone else. It’s hard to pay attention after a bombshell like that. I picked up the name, though… ‘Stevie Pine’, and I wondered if she was at the bar, telling Dawson the same story, and whether he was struggling to take it in, too. Luca already knew Stevie before she joined the gym. She used to work with Dawson behind the bar, so almost everyone in town knew her. Me included. I’ll admit, I never thought of her as a friend. She was more of an acquaintance. But she was older than me by several years, so we were never going to be very close, I guess. Unlike her and Luca, who it seems preferred older women. He never said so in as many words, but I think their affair had started before she joined the gym. If it hadn’t, I guess they probably wanted it to, and her membership gave them an excuse to be together… or for her to be out of the house, at least. He didn’t need an excuse. He worked there. And I’ll be absolutely honest, I never noticed a thing. He didn’t stay at work any longer than usual. Nor did he change in his behavior toward me. He still made love to me, still made me scream and beg for more… still made me feel wanted. All the time. How was I supposed to know he’d fallen for someone else? Looking back, though, I realized afterwards that he’d stopped saying the words. He’d stopped saying, “I love you.” I guess because he’d stopped loving me when he started loving her, and even he couldn’t lie to that extent. He said that was why he was telling me about her – about their love for each other