Be My Saving Grace


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Be My Saving Grace © 2023 Rachel O’Rourke.All Rights Reserved.
 No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review. 
 This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
 Printed in AustraliaCover design by Shawline Publishing Group Pty LtdImages in this book are copyright approved for Shawline Publishing Group Pty LtdIllustrations within this book are copyright approved for Shawline Publishing Group Pty Ltd
 First Printing: April 2023Shawline Publishing Group Pty Ltdwww.shawlinepublishing.com.au
 Paperback ISBN 978-1-9228-5050-8eBook ISBN 978-1-9228-5047-8
 Distributed by Shawline Distribution and Lightningsource Global
 
 
 
 
 
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 RACHEL O'ROURKE
 
 
 
 I dedicate this book to anyone that is struggling with a mental illness and/or past trauma. I wrote this story in the hopes that it could help others see that there is always a light within the darkness, sometimes we just haven’t found it yet.
 Acknowledgements
 A big thank you to my wonderful husband who believed in my writing. Thank you to my small group of trusting friends that gave me honest feedback and support throughout the writing process, and most of all to a dear friend who shared her story about being hospitalised with Bipolar.
 
 
 
 1. TUESDAY
 The screeching sound penetrates his eardrums, causing his body to wake as it brings him back to reality. He reaches out for his phone to shut the damn thing off. He wants to throw his phone against the wall. But he doesn’t. That’s the old him. The adolescent that would use fists and rage to solve all problems. These days his body doesn’t have much room for anger. It’s filled with this numbness that gets him through his day-to-day routine. He wakes, goes to work, helps those that he can, and then comes home to his one-bedroom apartment, with his frozen meals, his bed that only needs to be made on the right side every morning because the left side is as empty as he is, and his cat, Socks.
 Nickolas lies on his back, looking at the cracks in his ceiling with the water damage from when the apartment above him flooded. He takes three deep breaths. Closing his eyes, he wills – no – begs his body to take him back to his dream where he was happy, laughing, and felt like himself again. To take him back to the one person he ever loved, to when things were good, for everyone. A tear threatens to fall from his face as a soft ringing reaches his ear. The sound isn’t his phone but the jingle of the cat bell around Socks’s neck. Gracefully she jumps onto the bed, crawls alongside his body till she reaches his neck, and nuzzles against his collarbone, purring good morning into his ear.
 ‘Hey, gorgeous,’ Nickolas mumbles. He scratches behind her ear, kissing the orange fur on her head as a soft smile spreads across his face. ‘How’d you know I needed cuddles, hmm?’
 Once again the silence of his bedroom is disturbed by his phone ringing on his bedside table. Nickolas sits up and retrieves his phone. He rolls his eyes as he sees the contact ‘work’ appear on his screen. He answers, using his somewhat polite tone of voice specifically for when he talks to anyone from work.
 ‘Hello?’
 ‘Nickolas, sorry, I know today is your day off, but, well, Jasmine came in this morning but hasn’t been able to stop throwing up, so we’re down a person. Do you think you can come in?’
 Nickolas runs a hand down his face, his thumb and index finger pulling at his eyelids in the hopes that the pressure will wake them up and prepare him for the day ahead which looks nothing like the one he was originally planning. He coughs, clearing his voice so he sounds sure of himself before he answers.
 ‘Sure, no problem. I’ll be there within the hour.’
 ‘You’re an angel, Nickolas.’
 Nickolas scoffs. He thinks to himself how God must have a twisted sense of humour if angels can be put through hell.
 ‘Now, Dot, no use telling lies when there’s no one around to hear them.’
 ‘One day I’ll help you see your true value, Nykolai. One day you’ll understand that you actually do good – and that says a lot about the person you are.’
 ‘Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you shortly.’
 He hangs up. Although he doesn’t believe a word she said, the tips of his ears feel hot. The red tinge that’s taken over his body from hearing words of praise compared to the words of disgust and hate he is so used to hearing is still an adjustment for him. He clears the three missed calls from work that were the cause of him being woken up before returning his phone to the bedside. Socks is curled up on his pillow, taking advantage of the warmth it radiates to help settle herself back to sleep.
 ‘What a life.’ Nickolas shakes his head and gets up.
 Luckily he showered before going to bed last night, saving him some time so he can get to work within the hour he had promised. He turns the coffee machine on while he makes toast. His dream has left him unsettled. Not wanting to risk eating a big meal with how he is feeling, he grabs a few muesli bars from the cupboard and chucks them