Before We Were Innocent

Also by Ella BermanThe Comeback BERKLEYAn imprint of Penguin Random House LLCpenguinrandomhouse.comCopyright © 2023 by Ella BermanPenguin Random House supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin Random House to continue to publish books for every reader.BERKLEY and the BERKLEY & B colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataNames: Berman, Ella, author.Title: Before we were innocent / Ella Berman.Description: New York : Berkley, [2023]Identifiers: LCCN 2022032629 (print) | LCCN 2022032630 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593099544 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593099568 (ebook)Subjects: LCGFT: Novels.Classification: LCC PR3102.E753 B44 2023 (print) | LCC PR3102.E753 (ebook) | DDC 823/.92—dc23LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022032629LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022032630Cover design by Colleen ReinhartCover photograph: (front) Aaron Smith / Gallery StockBook design by Daniel Brount, adapted for ebook by Kelly BrennanThis is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.pid_prh_6.0_143034192_c0_r0 CONTENTS CoverAlso by Ella BermanTitle PageCopyrightDedicationChapter OneChapter TwoChapter ThreeChapter FourChapter FiveChapter SixChapter SevenChapter EightChapter NineChapter TenChapter ElevenChapter TwelveChapter ThirteenChapter FourteenChapter FifteenChapter SixteenChapter SeventeenChapter EighteenChapter NineteenChapter TwentyChapter Twenty-OneChapter Twenty-TwoChapter Twenty-ThreeChapter Twenty-FourChapter Twenty-FiveChapter Twenty-SixChapter Twenty-SevenChapter Twenty-EightChapter Twenty-NineChapter ThirtyChapter Thirty-OneChapter Thirty-TwoChapter Thirty-ThreeChapter Thirty-FourChapter Thirty-FiveChapter Thirty-SixChapter Thirty-SevenChapter Thirty-EightChapter Thirty-NineChapter FortyChapter Forty-OneChapter Forty-TwoChapter Forty-ThreeChapter Forty-FourChapter Forty-FiveChapter Forty-SixChapter Forty-SevenChapter Forty-EightChapter Forty-NineChapter FiftyChapter Fifty-OneChapter Fifty-TwoChapter Fifty-ThreeChapter Fifty-FourChapter Fifty-FiveChapter Fifty-SixChapter Fifty-SevenChapter Fifty-EightChapter Fifty-NineChapter SixtyChapter Sixty-OneAcknowledgmentsAbout the Author To my own fierce friendships—some of which have lasted, some of which are lost. I think of you all often. ONE 2018I KNOW IT’S HER FROM the moment I hear the knock at my door. After ten years, with no warning, somehow, I still know.—Over the years, I’ve begun to think of Joni only in photographs—reassuringly flat shots of her golden arm slung over my shoulders, eyes knowing, grin wolfish, face tanned and inscrutable, maybe careless in the wrong light. Now that she is inches away, I remember the full animality of our friendship. The clamminess of her skin as we slept side by side, matching leg hairs dusting our thighs; the keloid scar just above her left temple; the viscous blood that would trickle from her nose often and without TWO 2018I LEAD JONI INTO THE kitchen, walking carefully around the saguaro cactus that shoots through the center of my house like a missile, causing the tiles around it to crack and cave. When I look down, I realize I’m wearing the humiliating pair of bunny slippers my ex-boyfriend Ivan gave me as a birthday present, and I wonder if I can slip them off before Joni notices.“You are aware you have a strikingly phallic cactus,” she says, more at ease now, “in the middle of your house.”“I had noticed,” I say as I open the fridge. “Do you want some water?”Joni frowns. “I’d prefer wine.”I rifle through the cupboard under