Storm Clouds and Devastation

Storm Clouds and Devastation Copyright © 2023 by Ashley James All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the authors imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events is purely coincidental. Cover Design: Haya in Designs Interior Formatting: Wanderlust Formatting Editing: Nice Girl Naughty Edits Contents Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty-One Chapter Thirty-Two Chapter Thirty-Three Chapter Thirty-Four Chapter Thirty-Five Chapter Thirty-Six Chapter Thirty-Seven Chapter Thirty-Eight Chapter Thirty-Nine Chapter Forty Chapter Forty-One Chapter Forty-Two Chapter Forty-Three Chapter Forty-Four Chapter Forty-Five Bodhi’s Epilogue Prologue This one is for those who struggle, or who have struggled, with feeling like you’re not enough. For those who have felt the deep, dark depths of mental illness, and know what it feels like to wonder if you’ll ever be able to swim to shore. For those who have wondered, even just briefly, if it’s worth it to hold on… Please know, you are not alone. Please know, you are loved, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Please know, that it gets better, easier, brighter if you do just hold on. Call/Text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline if you are experiencing mental health-related distress or are worried about a loved one who may need crisis support. “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about.” —Haruki Murakami Storm Clouds and Devastation Playlist Theme Song: Better Days by Dermot Kennedy Destroy Me by gavn! There’s Fear In Letting Go by I Prevail Power by Isak Danielson Clarity in Kerosene by nothing,nowhere. You Really Shouldn’t Love Me by White Punk, TMTTMF Skinny Love by Birdy Burial Plot by Dayseeker Sympathy by Too Close To Touch Harder to Breathe by Letdown. Scavengers by Thrice Skinny by KALEO Missing Limbs by Sleep Token Haunting Me by Loveless Starving To Be Empty by Dayseeker Warning From My Demons by SLAVES Authors Note I didn’t know it until I started writing it, but this book was so cathartic. I resonated more with Bodhi than I have with any of my other characters. His journey hurt as much as it healed me. Before you go any further, please know this book may be hard to read at time and contains subject matter that may be triggering for some as it deals with severe mental illness among other things. A detailed list of triggers can be found at the back of the book behind the Acknowledgements section and on my website—www.authorashleyjames.com—under Books if you wish to read them. This book is intended for readers 18 years and older. Prologue There are times in your life where things will happen that make you glad that you stuck it out. That you put one foot in front of the other and fought like hell to climb out of the hopeless, dark cave of desolation. Moments where you start to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel everyone promises you. Where your limbs start to feel lighter, and the smile on your face feels a little less forced. Times when it seems like the storm clouds may finally give way to the much-needed sun in life that makes you believe that maybe we’ll be okay after all. Today is not that day. Today is obsidian. It’s cold and dark. It’s empty, hopeless, shameful. It’s the type of defeat that you can’t come back from. It’s final. I’m tired. So. Fucking. Tired. I’m tired of pretending. Tired of hiding. Tired of not being good enough, smart enough, normal enough. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep waking up from one nightmare, only to submerge myself into another. The day-to-day is exhausting. Trying to simply get by and survive. It’s not worth it. What do I get from being strong? Where has that ever led me? Disappointment… rejection… pain. Enough’s enough. Wiping the never-ending pools of moisture from my cheeks, I stare down at the bottle in my hand. The bottle containing the drugs that are supposed to increase the levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in my brain. Make me happy. The very same drugs I’ve refused to take for the last several months because I shouldn’t have to take a pill every single fucking day to be happy. I should be able to function without them. Should be. But I can’t… clearly. Otherwise, why else would I be sitting on the floor in my bedroom, tears cascading down my face, heart cracked open and bleeding, wanting to end it all. Because wouldn’t that be easier? Swallow these and feel nothing. All my problems, all the hurt, would disappear because I would simply cease to exist anymore. Then I’d never have to remember everyone I hurt or let down. I’d never have to remember that my life was one big lie, and that the devastating truth could’ve changed everything. Could’ve made my life better. I wouldn’t have had to hurt so many people. I wouldn’t have had so many people hurt me. How can one person continue to let down so many people? I can’t do this