On Percs

On Percs Facebooking While Intoxicated By Mike Rainey Copyright © 2022 Mike Rainey. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Printed in the United States of America First Printing, 2022 ISBN 979-8-218-10516-7 This book is dedicated to all the pharmacists who filled my painkiller prescriptions from 2012-2014. Thank you for your service. On Percs Mike Rainey Introduction In June of 2012, I ruptured two discs in my back while perform-ing borderline slave labor at a shady warehouse in Delco, PA, that was run by a low-IQ demon named Sal. Upon confirming the severity of my injury, I was prescribed a fuck ton of Percocet per month, and I embarked upon a years-long descent into the darkest depths of prescription painkiller addiction. Sure, I was evicted, had my beloved Chrysler 300, The Perc Mobile, repo’d, and blew through every dollar I had. But the worst part was far more macabre than anyone could imagine: Every thought I had during the Perc Era was immortalized in a collection of Face-book posts.The hundreds upon hundreds of Perc posts are so embarrassing that I have no choice but to put them all in a book and offer a post-by-post analysis of every humiliating thought. While I had a lot of fun on Percs, there were also plen-ty of dark, depressing moments that started stacking up more frequently before I finally called it quits with opioids. Between the fun and the sadness on Percs, my Perc journey was primar-ily punctuated by the seemingly endless amounts of Perc posts I plagued Facebook with for nearly three years. If you think your fattest aunts and most divorced uncles make Facebook an empty, mortifying cesspool, then wait’ll you get a load of my Perc posts. On Percs Mike Rainey I bellyflopped into that cesspool to create enough cringe that would have forced a normal person to throw out their computer, become a monk and take up a vow of Facebook celibacy. How-ever, I decided to stare face-first into my most embarrassing moments that are immortalized on the Internet and are now compiled into this book, which you’ll likely want to set on fire once you finish reading it. Unfortunately, you’re about to find out how I almost ended up on a watch list trying to meet Olympic legend Michael Phelps, why I cried my eyes out in front of David Letterman as I sat next to disgraced politician Anthony Weiner and how I was injured so badly at Disney World that I had to pull a bocce ball-sized turd out of my own asshole just to have a chance at saving a family vacation. My hope is that this book can either save someone from going down the same destructive path with prescription painkillers that I did or that my Perc Era can at least make you laugh. Enjoy. Mike On Percs Mike Rainey 1 This is where my Perc Facebooking truly begins. My family and I flew to Disney World three days after I had back surgery. I did not have trip insurance, and financially, I was already running on fumes, so canceling the trip was not an option. Leading up to the day we left for Florida, I hadn’t shit in four days, so my plan was to pinch out a modest loaf at the airport and start my vacation with a fresh pooper. I had popped a couple Perc tens upon leaving the house, so by the time we hit the airport, I was tap dancing through TSA. Roughly fifteen minutes before take-off, I headed to the toilet to hopefully unload, but it was like trying to coax Punxsutawney Phil out of his tree hole. With my heels off the ground, I strained to squeeze out whatever my dumper would be willing to part with, which was absolutely nothing. Finally, as I heard the airline agent announce that our flight was boarding, I mustered the booty courage for one final push to expel this demon turd with all my might. Fi-nally, something happened, and it wasn’t good. The loaf I was praying for took a raincheck, and instead, I reherniated both discs that I had repaired three days prior. In agony, I struggled to get to my feet, pulled my pants up, and waddled out of the On Percs Mike Rainey 2 bathroom to my family, wailing the whole way. I screamed from the bathroom to the gate like The Ultimate Warrior, eventually reaching my wife, Jaime, who was equal parts mortified and concerned. I explained what happened and insisted we get on the plane and figure it out in the air. Once airborne, I couldn’t figure out much as I screamed intermittently, startling passen-gers who wondered what was wrong with this fat baby who was making life miserable for everyone on the plane. Mercifully, the plane landed in Orlando. I had to be carried off the plane and dropped into a friggin’ wheelchair, to the On Percs Mike Rainey 3 As I struggled to grasp what my next move would be while my back and vacation unraveled, I received word that one of On Percs Mike Rainey 4 Once we found a cab, we made our way to Caribe Royale Re-sort, which under normal circumstances, would be a pill head’s paradise.